Very easily we judge the things that happen to us. We think we know. Why me we ask??? But for a moment, just stop and think. Maybe this thing which I think is a test from God…. maybe it is actually a blessing? One of my greatest regrets… not becoming an optometrist as I had planned and visualised since GCSE’s. A blessing? Maybe. With time i am realising that…. yes… it was a blessing!
I met DH in the year when I would have been away at uni. What if I didn’t meet him because i chose to pursue the optometry? Where would I be now? Would i be married? Would i have kids? Maybe i would be in another country? Away from the family? I would have missed out on all my nephews’ growing up (my 5 musketeers!). Would i have got carried away with my career ambitions and then not had a family until later on? But then i would have had this ‘blessed’ cancer journey to take on and the kids would have been that much younger! How amazing that they are old enough to take charge and actually make their own soft cheese and cucumber sandwiches, have their own ‘hair showers’ and pack football stuff (well….getting there with remembering the shin pads and water bottle!!). It was a blessing. I didn’t become an optometrist and became a teacher. Absolutely love helping children grow and flourish. What a special responsibility. I wouldn’t change anything.
BTW: I recieved a huge ‘get well soon’ card yesterday made by my Year 3’s. So personal and made with such love. Defo wouldn’t have got one of those if i checked people’s eyes for a living!!
So a blessing? Yes!
Since daddy passed away (6 years now) i have increasingly become aware of the great impact that society and ‘people’ have on our preconceptions. We start to think and even say what we hear from others. Our reactions start to mirror other peoples’ reactions. We say ‘O No! That school is soooo violent!’ Just based on one parent sharing a story about one child who got into a fight. What about the rest of the children who are absolutely flourishing in the school?
When told last month that i have the ‘dreaded illness’, for a moment it felt like everything had crumbled and life was over. After having my breakdown i asked myself what it was that i was worried about most. After remembering the domino effect of chat amongst ‘people’ i realised that that’s what it was! it was the reaction that people have when they hear that someone has ‘Cancer’! I had a flashback in the consultant’s room (which a nurse kindly opened for us when she saw my outburst in the corridor!). A flashback of when i told a friend that daddy had been diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis. She merely said ‘Ah wish him better from us!’. She had no idea what it was and to be honest neither did i until i did some research and my dad himself pointed out to me that even cancer is treatable and curable but what he has is not. Pulmonary Fibrosis has no cure as yet, just ways of making life more comfortable. He lived for the maximum 2 years after diagnosis. It is hard to write this but i now understand that it was a blessing. I was his favourite (my siblings will not be reading this obvs!) and he would not have been able to see me go through any hardship!
Ten minutes on i came out the room having decided that i was ready to take on this ‘Blessing’ that Dr Akbar had just revealed to me! God is giving me an opportunity to make positive changes in my life. This life that is so temporary. The life which i was taking for granted. Life had become a daily ‘routine’! Wake, school, work, after school clubs, dinner, bed! Oh and god forbid if anything was late or didn’t happen! Oh the guilt if the kids had to miss a club one day or eat mashed potato for dinner because i was tired. I thought it was the end of the world if things did not work as planned!
Next step, shivering outside the hospital in the rain and cold with DH and DB. How do we break the news to the family? I was worried about their reaction to the word ‘cancer’ but after some reasoning realised that it was what it was and I will need to remember that people just know what they have heard from others and society. Once again down to the people domino effect!
From today I decided that things will change for the better. When Daddy left us I had already been through this wake up call and then again after subsequent other difficult times. However, once again I had slipped into those habits where I forgot about the meaning of this life.
I looked forward to the new beginning. I have been given a blessing and I am going to embrace it God willing!
Dear Daughter had chosen the most beautiful sunny spot in mums sitting room to pray. Right by the window the sun rays shone on her while she spoke to God. It was so peaceful to watch. Proud mummy moment. Well actually proud Nani moment! This was definitely thanks to Nani (the proper white chaadar gave it away!). One of her wise lines: do it wholeheartedly or don’t do it at all! DD was definitely doing this with her whole heart!
I began to think about all these moments we miss in life because we are too busy. i remembered something the presenter had said on a teaching course i had attended last year;
WE ARE BUSY BEING BUSY!
Incessantly planning and getting ready for the next thing on the to-do list.
Rushing around…… busy being busy while we forget about looking after ourselves. Our body, our mind, our soul!
I was inspired by my DD to do some meditation. i took the same spot after she was done (except i was on a chair like a buddhi!). i did some deep breathing while taking in the open view of the garden. So liberating. i ‘youtubed’ meditation and came across a TED talk (so exciting that i actually have the time to watch these!). The speaker had read my mind! He presented it in an interesting way;
We act as if we are being chased by a lion!
Running through all the events of life as if they are actually going to come to an end so that we can then stop to look after ourselves! I thought of my pre operation to do list…LOL!! They do not end! They expand forever!
Hoping to fit meditation into my daily routine!
Link to the TED talk below for the teacher’s pets… (i haven’t finished it yet so watch at own risk!)
My Rainbow🌈 