My Rainbow🌈

I finished my audio book yesterday and feel a bit lost to be honest. What an amazing story and such thought provoking messages. I almost didn’t want it to end!

Definitely worth a read. She talks about her near death experience (NDE) and how it changed her way of living. She came back to live fearlessly after feeling the magnificent unconditional love!she explains how we must love ourselves the way we are. And we must spread love in every situation!

Coincidentally, I went down and overheard a conversation between my Dear Nephews about love and kindness. One said to the other “It’s amazing how you can change peoples’ attitude just by being nice!” I listened from the other room to their mature and inspiring conversation.

(I can’t believe how grown up they have become! Proud ‘Auntie’ moment😊)

I have seen this with children. The more love you give them, the more love they give back! But it seems that this may be the case with adults too. In our daily lives, we often forget to love everyone. We are all one. We can make such a difference to someone’s life, day or even just a moment in their life. Simply by showing a bit of love!

It feels so good to show love and care. Smile and make others smile!

We all have different ways of showing love. Anita Moorjani mentioned being of service vs providing a service. I had never thought of it in this way. When we provide a service we are doing it with the expectation of getting something in return(even if it is subconscious!). Being of service, is out of pure love and for your own happiness 💖.

I continued my diamond painting quietly enjoying the garden view. DN joined me with his books at the table.

i haven’t slept in proper deep sleep in a long time! Actually felt fresh when i got up which was great!

So the nurses came home last night to remove my Chemo bottle. Normally i go into hospital but after last session (where i fell asleep in the waiting room and got forgotten about!), they suggested someone comes home instead. They took ages to do it and stayed doing paperwork for an hour! Hopefully next time i will be well enough to just go in and get it taken out in 5 minutes.

Marvel (our cat ) is going to stay at a friends for a few weeks while the building work goes on at home so DH and DS took her to the vet for her monthly grooming (well nails cut and flea treatment). I feel good that she will get some TLC and be out of that dust! I never thought i would bond with an animal in this way. When i came home from the operation in October, i was so worried about how she would be around me as i was so slow and delicate but to my surprise she was extremely careful around me. It’s as if she knew! She would stand at the bottom of the stairs while i slowly came down. She looked me in the eyes as if to say ‘you can do it..i am waiting here for you!’ She was her lively normal self around everyone else but near me so careful!

But she does think she now owns the house and goes everywhere!!So, i am so relieved we are getting a door to keep her out of the kitchen!

I have had the most emotional full day!seriously, I didn’t know it was possible to have so many emotions in such a short time! Well actually some of the Indians I have been watching on Indian Idol (the Bollywood version Strictly). Neha Kakar being came to mind!)

Here goes my day today Chemo#4. One third of my way through treatment🥳🤲

💖 Breakfast with DH. Yum!

😊 lovely chemo nurse who insterted the needle first time a few cycles ago.

😔 Nurse got needle in second time. It’s not actually that painful but I think I am just making it a thing! I need to get over it. It is ok. They will always eventually get it!

😊 My blood results were slightly better and weight has stayed steady which the nurse said was great as normally people lose weight. Hats off to mum feeding me healthy things all the time. As well as all the love from everyone 💜

😁 One cycle without one of the medicines (Oxalyplatin) so won’t have any pain in the hands, feet and throat this time.That’s why I am able to type!Hoping for less nausea and mouth sores too.

💜 😋 Coming home to the smell of Gharam gharam rotli (warm fresh chappatti), Arad Daal, Karela nu saak (bittergourd curry) and sweet rice! I obviously could not resist!

🎉🎉 An hour after reaching home I felt great. No side effects except slight confusion. I got over excited and made plans in my head to drive tomorrow for the first time in 3 months and to go with someone maybe to pick up MK and Aasiyah from school. (First day back). Over ambitious!

🥰 Kids eventually went to sleep happy.

🥳 😋Was able to have a midnight feast with DH as oddly felt hungry . Avocado and tomato on toast with Chai!

😟😡 When carefully getting ready for bed I looked at the polyfuser and remembered that I had forgotten to check that the clip on the tube was open! Obviously I had forgotten ( ‘chemo brain!!). And guess what….it was closed! This explains the lack of side effects as the medicine was not actually going into my body. and It also means that I may need to keep it on for an extra night as I have missed 8 hours of treatment! The nurse had offered to check it before I left the hospital because I had just had the boost of the medication . I was tired and couldn’t be bothered to remove my coat, gloves and jumper. I reassured her that I would check it as soon as I entered the house. Why I took on that responsibility I don’t know. I should have told DH straight away, then he would have remembered for me!

😴 I have managed to sleep for 2 hours since the last time I wrote (just after midnight). The nights when I am having my 5FU chemo treatments are mostly like this anyway. When the oncologist said that the main side effect of chemo would be fatigue, I didnt think anything of it. I have been tired for quite a few years (nw we know it was because of the cancer). But I got on with life so I thought ‘fatigue’ would be the easiest side effect for me. I think the outburst before bed has messed up my eyes and head as well this time!

What does FATIGUE feel like?

Extremely exhausted. It comes and gets better very quickly without any pattern or warning. I have no energy to do anything to help the time pass (especially at night time.) My new found hobbies; Listening to my audio book, diamond painting and writing in my blog. All too much effort to attempt when I feel like this.

So when I am Fatigued, I just close my eyes and think happy thoughts including how I am going to change the way I had lived before diagnosis.

As a family we have always lived quite spontaneous lives with the kids. Randomly taking time out to break up routine. Go out for dinner on a weeknight. Movies, theme park days, local short hotel stays to just be able to switch off and give the kids and each other undivided attention (often in Birmingham so we can pop in and see relatives on one of the days..Ds’s top pick; back to back movie days! Oh and of course DD’s favourite, cooking days where everyone makes a course. Love the Pyjama days, and when we have surprise visitors during these days it’s hilarious but also gets everyone up anout for a bit to do the long awaited bathroom trips and top up the popcorm,nachos, cucumber, olives,grapes!

So after this journey is over..definitely going to change my priorities and enjoy life even more!

Today only ever comes once!

Nishat Dossa (I think!😉)

Anyway it is 6.45am. Everyone will be getting up soon so I should really go and try and sleep or at least rest. My eyes are sore.

It felt good to remember these fun times. I truly believe that this is also a good time. The quality bonding I have had with my close family (which actually adds up to approximately 20 people btw)! I can only have them in small doses though lol. And they know that, so it’s almost always one to one time for a very short time. Telephone conversations are a complete nono during these treatment days as I get too tired from just listening, let alone actually talking! I have a list of netflix dramas too as I had planned to binge on them! But the fatigue has not allowed me to watch any! It requires too much effort lol! I sound so lazy!! WELL I AM ATM…BUT I AM ALLOWED 🤣

My to do list for tomorrow: eat,drink lots of water, go for a walk around the garden(if I have the energy!). Hopefully get some sleep before the kids get back at 4pm. This may not work as I am used to sleeping after night prayer at around 4.30pm but as they kids are back at school I am going to try and sleep earlier so I can be awake for them. And of course, some diamond painting at the dining table where I can also look into the garden and enjoy nature( which I feel I have never really done properly before. God is amazing…subhanallah!

So there you go, that’s my to-do list lol!Don’t know where the time goes during the day but trust me it goes! Night time is clearly different sometimes . Normally i would go to my night motivator but he is starting a new job tmro at Vision Express so he needs his beauty sleep!

Really need to go now and rest. Eyes feeling sore. Hoping for a better day today. This is what they meant by ‘take each day as it comes’! And that is exactly what is working for me. No plans so no disappointment!!😁

The colours of the rainbow for today🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

So what could be good about the nurse forgetting to open the lock on my chemo bottle?

🌈 There is always a reason that everything happens. Maybe the treatment needed to to take longer as my body may have needed a rest. Maybe God knew that it will be better for me to finish treatment a bit later this cycle.

🌈 I am feeling less sick and nose bleed is much less!

🌈 no pins and needles pain!

My DS has just come into my room so will go spend time with him before his shower. Then hopefully catch a bit of sleep. (I thi k I wrote that an hour ago as well🤣

See ya!🌈

So I went to a shopping centre for the first time in 3 months. As I looked down I felt so liberated. I had never looked at a shopping centre in this way before. It was beautiful with the Christmas lights and each person with their own story and reason for coming there today. From upstairs I saw one of my students who has moved onto high school this year. She was chatting away to her mum and looked so grown up. Everyone in their own world and moving on with their life. It reminded of when I went to pick the kids up from school after dad passed away. Everyone was just chatting away in the playground and there I was feeling almost betrayed. How dare they get on as normal when I have just been through such a great loss! Here, amongst the shops I felt normal as if nothing had happened to me. For a moment I forgot about the pain and the treatment. It was bliss…

Treated myself to a new comfort hoody (my one is over 18 years old!). Hollister sale 🎉. I can’t wait to wear it on Monday to the hospital with my new short sleeved t-shirt (well.. the chemo needs to be attached to the upper arm and I only had one short sleeved t-shirt so another excuse to shop😉. I am sure you will agree that these are necessities not just me comfort shopping!). It is these little things which make me smile!I realise the importance of having something to look forward to especially after each chemo administration. I have put my headphones in the hospital bag. We spend a good 4/5 hours there and I am looking forward to continuing with my audiobook. ‘Dying to be me’ by Anita Moorjani’. Loving my monthly audiobook subscription. So much easier for me to just listen. Thanks 😘

We went for dinner and sat there for a long time chatting away with the kids. Family time🥰. I was surprised that I lasted that long after having slept at 4am this morning! Me and DD were chatting away…a long overdue catch up! We also had a surprise visit from Dear Nephew…it felt like Ramadan when we stay up to eat before the fast begins at sunrise. 🌄

Went home to mum and DB watching my favourite indian movie K3G. Just watched it over christmas but couldn’t resist..I joined them! The warmth of this home with so much love…alhamdulillah 🏩

I had the best birthday ever! I was home all day just relaxing and spending time with my close family. I did sleep for a lot of it actually but managed to get a good few of hours in.

The kids brought in the cake to the sitting room where I sat and everyone whispered the happy birthday song (as all my senses are heightened so I can’t handle much noise. I can only handle one conversation at a time even that exhausts me most if the time!)

Loved all my gifts…loved getting spoilt (although that is happening everyday at the moment lol!). Thanks everyone!!😘

In the evening I had a sudden burst of energy and after some encouragement I went out to Krave (a dessert lounge) with DH. It was fab to be out. I lasted long enough to finish my savoury pancake and absolutely loved catching up with DH. 🌷

So its been a tough couple of weeks so i have not written much. The pins and needles in my hands went on for 10days this time so obviously typing was a mission!

During my bursts of energy i played kahoot and the star wars board game with the kids and just chilled with them which i haven’t done in a while. It was great! DH made breakfast and for a moment it felt like we were back to ‘normal’. Can’t wait to be able to do that more often with them.

I am beginning to accept that this is a temporary journey of a few months in which i need to give it my all and do what it takes to get my health and strength back. I must literally take each day as it comes in order to stay strong and positive!

I can’t express how helpful it is to be around positive people!

The sun shone through the rain yesterday while the kids and i were playing..i got so excited as usual…a rainbow!!Mashallah Beautiful! ‘It sums up life’ i try to explain to the kids. All the colours represent the different events that we come across in life. There is no black in a rainbow. We can take something colourful out of everything that comes our way.. They give me that look which says “ok we get it Mum. Are you done?”..lol! They will get it one day.

And this is where the name of my blog came to me! 🌈💜

Merry Christmas everyone! I remember to eat dates every morning for energy as commanded by God to Lady Mary(Maryam) after she gave birth to Jesus (Prophet Isa In islam).

Secret santa was great fun and I loved my soft blanket! 💖

Finally on day 6 yay!!

Sooo cold! Thought the thrns feeling was gone but no. Day 5 last session it was goneby day 3.

Sickness improving but still there. Tired.

Hope next week is better.
Need to go hosp for an ultrasound at 11am so must go try and sleep.

Over and out.

First 2 days have been worse than last time. The thorns feeling when i touched anything even when wearing thick gloves and socks! And the thorns in my throat when swallowing anything that is not warm. Mouth and lips tingling and feeling swollen(but looked normal in the mirror)! Jaws paining when i try to eat anything and the constant horrible taste in my mouth! 

On the up side…slept really well last night. Just woke up once to have antickness but managed to wait until 7am to have it when DH left for work. Mainly because i didn’t have the stength to get up and get it myself(yes..i am becoming a princess! I am not used to peopl doing things for me. I like to do things myself. However, this is one of the piecesof advice i heard over and over again from people when i got diagnosed. Accept help and you will be fine. So this is what i am doing and truly appreciate everyone coming together and offering so much help) .

Hopefully less typos this time lol! #

Only a mother would lay down a carpet for me in the bathroom as she feels my pain if me feet touch the cold floor…made me smile!

ONLY A MOTHER TO BE CONITINUED..TOO MUCH TO SAY…LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

Alhamdulillah (thank you God)

See ya xxx

Bonding time with DN at 1am at mums (our inhouse night owl…used to be daddy!). Turned on the xmas light x
Made me toast with butter and black pepper for me.my fave for helping with nausea! We went and sat in sitting room becayse kitchen was too cold for me. He set everything up for me to enjoy the toast and him to start eating his food… and i dropp it face down on the carpet. Another Excuse to cry…

His reaction prevented me falling apart again.
“Another one coming in 2mins..aapi chill…it’s ok!” 
I cannot put aprice on how much these little things mean to me at the moment.

Love my family…so blessed.Alhamdulillah🤲
Bye