Since visiting the hospital yesterday to remove the chemo bottle, I have not been feeling great at all. I thought I was getting used to this but clearly not. Today has been a blur and so was last night. Constant nausea, confusion and tonight extreme fatigue to the point where I just could not get myself to get up from the sofa! I have gone off ginger ale and now living on soda water and on the highest strength of anti sickness medication. Toast with butter,salt and pepper helps. Oh and oranges with pepper! Hoping for a better day tomorrow inshallah (God-willing).
This quote is what I needed today..looking forward to this being a distant memory! I will remember the positives that have come out of it but at the moment I am being g challenged. On a happy note…how delicious do these these jacket potatoes look…20mins in the airfryer! Just like the good old days at ‘spud u like’!
So I have not written in a while but it’s all good news!
🌈 Having completed the 12 week recovery after surgery, I have been more mobile. I have the go ahead to start doing some normal chores so when I had the energy I was helping mum with cooking and just doing more for the kids.
I urge everyone to listten to their bodies and get checked immediately if they feel that something is not quite right. I didn’t listen to my body. I have had signs for years now but in the hustle and bustle of life, they got brushed under the carpet. We all do it!
I ask myself…what if I acted earlier and gave myself the importance that I so deserved. We all deserve! What if I didn’t need major surgery? The chemo would have been much easier to cope with. If cancer is found in the early stages it is so curable these days…the longer we leave these things the longer their recovery! I always thought that it was better not to know any medical issues and to just deal with them when they get to the point where you have to find out....
……I was wrong and I learnt the hard way!
I can’t wait to make the ‘relaxing corner’ at home..building work is almost done so I need to decide. I was thinking of maybe a little chair or cosy bean bag but need to find where!
I promise to look after myself (body and soul!) From now on and forever. And I hope my loved ones will remind me if I fall back into the race of daily life without ‘filling my cup’ first!
Allah knows best and is absolutely the best of planners!!
🌈 I am so blessed to have had this time to recover and to reflect on what my role is in this world. I truly look upto those who have had to do all these things themselves during these testing times in life. I thank Allah for the support network he has put in place to help me endure this. He has literally sent the things and people at the right time throughout this journey! He has taught me to accept the help offered. This has been tough for me as I always liked to do everything myslef.
Thanksso much to everyone. I feel the help that has been so wholehearted! Most importantly the genuine love given to the kids who sooo needed it 😇🤲. It soothes my heart when I see them come home with that true happiness that someone has made them feel. Alhamdullah for the right people and moments exactly when I needed them!😇
🌈 Diamond painting framed and ready to be revealed…here goes!!
How beautiful! (Even if I do say so myself!). Thanks to my little helpers 💜.
I had my chemo session yesterday. I decided to push myself and catch up on some things after I got home. I over did it and learnt the importance of rest during these days! I had a long overdue cry in the evening and felt much better. This led to a great night’s sleep which I have not had in a while. Well actually, I also slept well the night before chemo because I discovered these fab sleep podcasts which I listened to and fell asleep within 15 mins!!It also really helped with cancelling out the wind noise of Storm Ciara!!
Oh guess what???? The 1000 piece world map puzzle which I had just recieved the last time I wrote, is already completed!🎉🎉🎉
I can’t take much credit for it! It was on the dining table so everyone got pulled in when passing. I have to say most of it done by DB! Thanks Bruv, esoecially for keeping the last piece for me to do… the satisfaction. 🥰
Family effort with the sealing of the puzzle. We decided to use a special glue to seal the whole puzzle together and will frame it! I have to say, I found the gluing part much more therapeutic than the the puzzle.🤣🙈
Yesterday’s chemo faced me with the challenge of asking the nurse if someone else can insert the needle for me. I have been anxious since she couldn’t find the right place in the porta cath in my arm last time! I think I already wrote about it on one of my previous posts. I remembered DN telling me to stand up for myself in such situations and that the nurses would not feel bad if I mentioned it politely. It is not worth the anxiety for myself. It is often the little things that magnify the whole experience. So I challenged myself and said it. So proud of myself as it was was a big thing for me. I was worried I woud hurt her feelings but she was absolutely fine with sending another nurse in who was more experienced with the arm port 😊.
The medicine dosage has been increased a bit but Alhamdullah the side effects so far actually seem less. I think the week off chemo a few weeks ago has really boosted my body to cope better😊
Came across this pic of DN from when I was 13 years old and made him do photoshoots and dressed him up however I wanted!! My first baby 💙
I loved check pyjamas and even made him wear a ring on his finger! Popples is in there somewhere too and so is his baby sister(front row in yellow!).
Oh DN2 announced his engagement too…such fun!!! ( too much Miranda 🤣).
It was noisy for me to chill downstairs for too long so had a quiet catch up with him in the other room! This is the baby grow I made him for my gcse Textiles exam. I took him into school for the fashion show too!
Going to try and catch some zzz’s before the day starts! Well..my day anyway lol!
The feeling of setting the kids (well…mainly adults!) a puzzle and then going for a walk in the garden knowing they are doing something useful and not on any devices!!
My new project: puzzle of the world! Well I say ‘MY’ 🤣👆. They were engrossed in silence for at least a few hours if not the whole day!! Now I know where to leave things if I want them done!!Thanks 🥰
Not managed to decide on my next audio book yet but will do soon. Looking into ordering another diamond painting but might make it more personal and design it myself.
So proud of DD for spending all day setting up all our wardrobes at home..my princess.. I couldn’t have done it better myself 😘
🧸A blast from the past!🧸
When sorting out a bag of memories from the loft, I found my very special cuddly toy from childhood..POPPLES! DM,DB and DS all remembered her name as soon as I showed them! So she is a teddy bear that turns into a ball. It was a craze back in the day! (I also remember Trolls and Polly pocket!) The beautiful memories of us playing catch with ‘Popples’ for hours with mum and dad after watching our TV programmes. Such as, Neighbours, Home and away and Dallas! I miss those days where everyone had to sit together and watch the same thing. It brought so much love and closeness to the family! Now there is sooo much choice and it is so easy for everyone to watch their own things in different areas of the house.
Introducing Popples who has stayed with me through thick and thin 💜!
It feels scary to not be in control of my emotions. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. For most of it I felt agitated and any level of noise was making me want to just leave the room and hide! I try not to show this on my face but I know that the kids can sense that I am not quite with it.
I remind myself that it is just a side effect of the meditation and it will pass. I thank god that the kids have people around them to give them love and keep them distracted during this time.
🥝Food..glorious food! 🥑
Snacking constantly helps with the nausea and Alhamdulillah I find that I can do this. A lot of fresh fruits and vergetables! And the odd packet of crisps😋
It is really sad how fruits and vegetables are more expensive than the food that is bad for us. I watched a YouTube clip by a Doctor (link below ⏬) which opened my eyes to how most of the foods we eat are actually not even foods!! The kids absolutely love fruits too..I intend to eat, cook and shop more natural!!
I started my 1000 piece puzzle of the world. Started off quite slow but I have had helpers who get pulled in which is great😁.
I have finished my book on time and can now buy another as it is a new month! Can’t believe how quickly January has gone! I want to read Rhonda Byrnes’ ‘The Secret’. One of dad’s favourites. Or a Wayne Dyer book (also one of dad’s recommended authors). Will decide by tonight! 🎉
It was very sad to hear about Kobe Bryant’s death. Amother inspirational figure! His podcast with Jay shetty about fear caught my attention(link below⏬). The same idea of fear being a thought that Anita Moorjani mentions again and again. He says a similar thing. We must not limit ourselves by fear. Accept that you are feeling nervous and then ask yourself what you are afraid of and you will realise that it is actually thought provoked. Fear of maybe failing or being hurt. We induce fear upon ourselves! Life is too short to be afraid. Give it a go!
Our in house tribute to an inspirational man!😥
It’s Saturday!! Looking forward to some family time..see ya xxx
i always thought i was saying something wrong with this word! So many new medical words to learn so i am allowed! Anyway, just before starting my chemo i had a minor surgery where they implant a round silicone disc just under the skin. This is called a portacath (portable catheter). A catheter is a plastic tube which connects the port to a vein. It can be inserted in the upper chest just under collar bone or (more recently) in the upper arm. It is quite cool because they can insert medicine through it and do blood tests from it as well as many times as they need with little discomfort for the patient. So no more looking for the vein everytime!
I chose to have a local anaesthetic instead of general simply because i had enough of hospitals and could get out quicker if they didn’t put me to sleep. in retrospect, however, i wish i went for the general. it wasn’t too bad i guess. i had to decide where i wanted it then and there. i asked for his advice as i had no knowledge of it. He said that the arm may be better so we said will go with my left arm. In surgery, it appeared that the vein in the right arm was a better one to use so he went with that. My dominant arm!!! You can see the bump in my arm and i am always cautious of it.
The nurses don’t always succeed in inserting the needle into the portacath the first time which can get upsetting. Apparently because the arm ones are new so they are not used to them. Well, i am finding my own ways to make it easier for the nurses to access it. This week, she got the needle in the first time and i didn’t even feel it…yay!!!
So what happens on the day they start each chemo therapy treatment?
We get to the hospital late morning and they do my weight, blood pressure etc. i then have my strong antisickness pill, after which they wait an hour to start the treatment. They flush the portacath to make sure it is working ok (These things can move out of place!). They then inject a steroid medicine and some other pre meds. The main medicine is then started which takes 2-3 hours in total. My lunch nirmally arrives during this time. JACKET POTATO OF COURSE!
Once the main medicine is finished, they attach they give me a boost of the medicine i will be going home with. I immediately feel a metallic taste in my mouth while they do this and begin to feel confused and light headed. The bottle is then attached to the tube in my arm and i get sent home with it. After 3 days i go back to get it removed. Then the following week i go in for bloods to make sure i am good to go for the next chemo. i also see the oncologist on this day. ( I feel that i have said some of this before, apologies if i have…my family say i have a habit of repeating things at the moment as i forget!). in fact i have a nickname in the house of LB (little brain lol!) Anyway, the side effects have been much less this time Alhamdulillah. Next session will be back to the higher strength.I listened to some more of my Mindfulness book a few days ago and hear are some points from it:
Some points from my ‘mindfulness’ audio book:
Take a break before you need it!
take a moment to differentiate between your primary pain and secondary pain (i thought about it and actually realised that only a small part of my arm was sore when initially i thought it was my whole arm!)
All our feelings are temporary and will pass!
Don’t become stuck in the past or future. If something is constantly bugging you from the past, let go of it or do whatever you need to do to be able to forget and move on!
Act rather than react.
Stop, breathe and remember that we humans are all connected!
Do 2 x 10 minutes of meditation (or just thinking time) daily
At school we always have a ‘thinking’ corner where children feel safe to go when they need some calm time. i would love to make such a space in the house (just a chair or beanbag where there is calm!) Not sure why i have not thought of that before!
This week, was the death anniversary of Lady Fatima (Daughter of Prophet Mohammed pbuh). I am absolutely inspired by this phenomal lady who empowered women during a time where females were so belittled! The way she stood up for her rights! So much to learn from her!! I felt sad that i couldn’t go to the mosque but i thank God that we have the internet so i listened to some sermons online!
Also, i finally had a chance to do Baraza (pyjama party) in mums room eating my Apple custard and drinking tea in my favourite ‘friends‘ cup!!
Note the matching wedge pillows..oh… and the gate crasher lol!!!
Week 3 after my last chemo and I am feeling better. I have never had a week 3 because my treatment is normally repeated fortnightly. Since yesterday my pain has subsided too alhamdulillah. I can move around without pain!! Sonething I have never appreciated before!! Pain is so tiring!
DB saw me walking around and said “you look ready to go out?”. I did feel ready as well. He suggested we go and get my car and I drive! My eyes lit up..”yes let’s!” After three months months of sitting in my driveway, the car battery had died. 🙈
Felt good to be behind the wheel (just managed a short 5 minute drive). Of course I had my bodyguards who enabled it to happen😘. I felt as if I had never had a break! Love my car! Until next time…
It was time to get DS from school and I was excited to go. I was feeling well so actually went in with DB. The smile on DS’s face when he saw me in the playground after so long. 🥰 I am sure he mist give DB a smile too when he gets him on most of the other days⚖🤣
I felt ‘normal’ for a while. Almost as if nothing had happened! I have always loved the school drops and picks and had counted down the days I had left dropping DS to primary school. It is his last 2 terms and we had planned to walk. Maybe I will be able to do the last few months before he leaves the school. Allah knows best. 🤲
Hoping to pick DD up soon as well!
Moving onto my Diamond painting! It is finally complete after over a month. It has been a great diversion for me especially at times when I just need time out. A few friends have messaged to ask for more details so here are some pics…
It is a great thing to do for all ages. You can get simpler ones for children too. It will keep them away from screens for a while! Similar to painting by number except that the picture is sticky and you stick on the different coloured diamonds. I got mine from Amazon and was around £7. (I don’t get commission btw🤣)
I will miss it but have my next project waiting in it’s amazon packaging. A 1000 piece puzzle of the world map…so excited to actually do an adult puzzle after so many years! I love puzzles and have still kept the children’s ‘Turtles’ puzzle in the hope that my kids will do it one day 🤔.
I managed to get some bonding time with DD which was great as in a house of boys(who we love to bits!) we don’t often get this lol!
Chemo number 5 is planned for tomorrow (well..today as it is 1.45am!). My bloods are looking good enough for the treatment alhamdulillah.
I have been sleeping well for the last few days as the medicine must have cleared from my body. Not sure why I am awake!
In all honesty, I am actually feeling anxious. It feels like it has been ages since the last one. I have forgotten what the side effects feel like and the last treatment was milder so I had significantly less side effects. But it is what it is and has to be done so I might as well embrace it with a smile inshallah (god willing). I have sometimes had a cry on the way to the hospital as it feels weird to be allowing people to inject me with what is practically a poison. Crying helps me. It is normally a quick one and then I am ready to face the world! Ok enough moaning!
Let’s find the colours 🌈
What can I look forward to tomorrow?
🌈The jacket potato at the hospital
🌈time to chill with DH
🌈seeing the kids once home and hearing about their days
🌈starting my puzzle(although I may not be up of for it for a quite a few days but it will be there when i need it!).
🌈 i hope to listen to my audio book as well. Not listened at all this week as I was making the most of my energy.
Mum is always feeding me, so for a change i Made a full english breakfast for both of us (We will miss these breakfasts and our general chats about life!). I have decided to pop in and have breakfast more often once I am well, no matter how busy life gets (which I know it will.) 🤲.
When I was rushing around in my life before surgery, mum and my DN’s would often ask when I am coming over to chill or even to spend the night. I always intended to but it never happened. I want to make more of an effort now. This world is so temporary and we wait for the right time to do things. I want to start doing things now rather then waiting for some time in the future. Easier said than done I know but I am writing it down so I can remind myself!
Btw I feel much better once I write things down. I have always written a diary which stays by my bed and now this blog has replaced it. I feel less anxious about tomorrow now having written it all down.
I should go to sleep. Long day ahead of me.
‘Mita mita sapna’ (sweet dreams) as my aunt and late uncle used to say 😇.
Nicola (the oncologist) called last night after i got home from the hospital. She is not too happy with the blood results so suggested I finish a course of antibiotics this week and hopefully all will settle by next week. So no chemo today. She said it is nothing to worry about. Immunity is low and obviously the body doesn’t like the effects of the chemo medicine. Quite common apparently.
I have put a straight face in the title of this post because I am not sure how I should be feeling. I do feel disappointed because the whole process will now be delayed. Also, DD’s parents evening will now be on the day of one of my treatments (she is in year 10 so it’s quite important and there are lots of teachers to see so it’s not easy to rearrange).
‘There is always something good in what God does but we may not understand it immediately.’
Mum
On a positive note, yesterday’s scans were clear and my pain is much better 😁. Had to walk a bit to get to the hospital and I managed ok even while fasting (for most of the scans I undergo, i can only drink water before hand. No food.)
We waited in the waiting room. I was shopping online for a dressing table stool and also admiring my crystal healing stones. I fell in love with this one!
It is so so beautiful! Reminds me of this Quran line again ⏬ “Then which is it, of the favors of your Lord, that ye deny?” 55:19-21 (Surah ar-Rahman):
I suddenly realised how long it had bee( almost 45 mins) and asked what is happening. The receptionist had been right in front of us and said the doc was not there yet. This wasn’t true. The doc told me they had forgotten to tell him and he had been waiting for me the whole time!
What a waste of time! But luckily I have mum’s quote from above to fall back on..it always helps to make me feel better lol!! Maybe ‘Maroush’ (the Lebanese restaurant we went to after the scan) would not have been open if we went earlier!? 🌯🌯😋
I went past the hospital that i had my surgery in. I think I am ready to write about that whole experience soon. What a journey it was with ups and downs. It was not too bad but I am glad it is over. Also made some good memories though. Alhamdulillah (Praise be to God).
It feels weird to say this but i have not had much ‘me’ time recently to do the hobbies I have planned! 🙈
Must go do my diamond painting now. I want to finish it this week💎. I Can’t wait to frame it! Hoping to read more of my ‘mindfulness’ book too. Oh and meditate! Wow so much to do!!😊
Now that I am on my 5th cycle I have my collection of things I need to keep at the ready to make it easier to cope with.
Contents of my hospital bag👜
✅ The book has to be taken in everytime so that the nurses can fill in all the details of the chemo given as well as my blood results and weight. (It reminds me of the kids ‘red book’ that we had to take to every appointment.) I thought by now they would have some sort of app maybe to input this data into. Hey maybe someone could make one!
✅ Anti sickness bands to wear on my wrists (also used these during pregnancy!). They press the accupressure point to prevent nausea.
✅ Bag to wear around my waist when they attach the chemo bottle to me to go home with. ( I am starting a day late this time as have to go for more scans)
✅ Well I am not a make up person but Lipgloss helps to brighten me up😁
Must have items once I am home after starting chemo treatment.
So in the above picture:
➡️ The waterproof arm cover to use in the shower to cover the chemo bottle and the tubes attached to me through the cathaport in my arm. (This is the main reason why I refuse hugs by the way… anxious that things may get pulled or disturbed. Even once the chemo bottle has been removed I keep my distance from people in case they accidentally touch the cathaport. I have done it myself before and it hurts 😟. )
➡️ The ‘Charging’ eye mask. Perfect for when I need to just rest my eyes. Sometimes I put it on when I am amongst the family and just want to be there but not engage in any conversation. I hear them whisper ‘Oh she’s charging sshh..🤫’
➡️ Crystal healing heart and the ring with special stones to pass me positive energy and strength.
➡️ Ginger Crystals and ginger ale to help with the nausea.
➡️ Gloves to help with the sharp pains when I touch things.
➡️ Carmex for my lips. Mouth sores are one of the side effects which I am controlling by using lots of this regularly!
➡️ Furry, soft phone case with stylus pen so that I can hold the phone and use it with minimal pain in fingers.
There, I am all set for chemo. Got another day to enjoy and hope to get some relaxing time before treatment.
Sunday school starts back tomorrow and I feel sad that I can’t go in. Normally I would have been meeting my new class for the first time. I know DS and DD miss me being there with them. Although they didn’t see me often as they are in the older classes, they knew I was always there. They would help me set up the classroom before going to their own classes. Looking forward to going back to teach there once I am well.💪
Card from my Sunday school children 🥰💖.
On another note, absolutely loving mum’s new Airfryer! The chips are crispy and actually look fried! Can’t wait to try a jacket potato in it tomorrow! (well..today..can’t believe it is 1am…I should go!)
The airfryer…I am impressed! Also made healthy crispy samosas brushed with very little oil.
Hoping for a good night’s sleep. Didn’t sleep last night. Then fell asleep at 7.30am for 2 hours. 😴
Second day in a row I have had to wake up early (which I don’t really do at the moment 🙈) and get to the hospital for various planned appointments. Well at least they’re all different hospitals so we get a change of scene!! (Trying hard to look for the silver lining🤣)
As I sit in the waiting room today, i look around at all the memories i have here. Dad was here in his last days. I start to reminisce. I remember every detail of the day he passed on as if it has just happened bt at the same time it feels like I haven’t seen him.in ages! I miss him loads and pray that he is well wherever he is. I hope that he cannot see his ‘nanakri’ (little girl) going through this.
It’s been 12 weeks since my surgery and I would be getting back to normal now if I hadn’t started chemo. The pain around the surgery sight has not gone completely and does still limit my movement. Praying that it goes away soon. 🤲
Looking around the waiting room, I feel sad for the teenage boy sitting on his own and pray that he he has come in for something minor. When I was that age it was all about driving around with friends and family and just having fun! I don’t think I ever went to the hospital for myself and didn’t even think about illnesses! I lived in a bubble and never really appreciated that I was so well and free to do as I wished.
Receptionist has called my name. I will continue after.
Dr J gave me good news that the chemo was doing its job well so far Alhamdulillah (praise be to God)🎉. Still need to have more scans to find out why I am in pain. Another trip to the hospital in central…not far from Oxford street. You know what I’m thinking right?? 😉🛍
Ok off to DSister’s to have quick check on DS (who is off school unwell) and then on to get my bloods done and then seeing Nicola to discuss what next.
Played a car game on the xbox with DS and I must say I was quite good! It was a car game and i chose the audi and painted silver and purple…was good to chill with DS for a bit. He doesn’t agree that Mariocart is still the best! I can’t wait to drive again…miss my car and independence! But i can’t say I am not enjoying being a princess and not doing much!😁
Nicola was extremely happy with the results and said we will go back to the full strength chemo and continue.
Had my delicious hot chocolate in the waiting room as usual and headed to the next hospital for my bloods to make sure my white blood cells are good enough to administer the next chemo cycle.
Last night I went to bed v early. I didn’t have my afternoon nap so was exhausted. I was also in pain as I think I did a bit too much.Thank God for painkillers! But it was all worth it as I joined the kids Arabic lesson and used my brain! I have been wanting to learn some arabic so that i can understand what I am reciting when I read the Quran (the Islamic holy book). What an interesting lesson. So many words are made from a root word and in this way you can actually work out the meaning of most words in Arabic. It was fun to learn with the kids💖. I am excited to do my homework😉.
It was a sign that at the weekend, me and DS were looking at the translation of one of the repeated lines in the quran:
So true…we look around us and his proof is everywhere. The beautiful trees,🎄 animals🐿, sun🌞, stars⭐, moon🌒, people, children, love💖, the unvierse🌌…oh rainbows of course!!!🌈
I have always loved the idea of waking up to the sound of children playing. Today I did. It must be from a school playground. I miss my kids (my students). Can’t wait to get back into the playground🥰. Kids are such a joy. The innocence. The questions that lead to such meaningful discussions. We can learn so much from them. Not sure why we ever grow up and start to take life so seriously!
I have started a new book🎉.
Mindfulness seems to be the excitement at the moment. It is everywhere, particularly for children and schools are also introducing it. Looking forward to find out more!
I always tell the kids that it’s so important to take time to acknowledge how they are feeling and to express it. If they learn from now it becomes a part of them.
My niece (also a primary school teacher) holds Young Mindfulness classes locally for children. She is fab!↕️
So I did my first meditation this morning. It was a 10 minute session incorporated in the mindfulness book. I fell asleep🙈🙈! But the author went on to say that it is ok if you fall asleep at first so I am assuming it is a common thing! I did feel relaxed and refreshed when I woke up though. Looking forward to doing another one tonight and will try to stay awake!
According to the book we pre-feel what might happen in the future. It makes us sound quite silly really. We are wasting the present moment worrying about what might happen in the future and then we also predict how that might make us feel???? So are we ever actually living in the moment???
I want to try and be mindful and live for now! I know some people who do…they have nailed it!
A few years ago I did the handinhand parenting course and learnt so much about myself! My thinking did change and I learnt the importance of ‘filling your own cup first’. But I think I have slowly gone back to my old ways. Especially as mums, we forget about ourselves and just give, give, give!! For me personally, this is definitely a chance to fill my own cup!
Ok I need to get up and ready for the day!
I was expecting to get more energy as I get used to the chemo but it seemed to be able to do less! Nicola reassured me that it is normal to feel increasingly tired with each chemo cycle. So I need to just expect less of myself and make the most of any random energy bursts!
Planning is not good for me at the moment. We planned to go out on Saturday to buy the kids shoes and then i was just too tired so I got quite upset and felt disappointed in myself for letting the kids and myself down. For now..no plans..just living in the moment depending on how I feel!
My Rainbow🌈 