My Rainbow🌈

I havent written in a while because this cheno has been tough. The medicine is taking a toll on my body which is expected and things may go back to normal once treatment stops (god willing). The ENT doc said that my hearing has been compromised but nit enough to stop the chemo yet. And this cycle my eyes have got really bad too so it hurts to even keep them open. (Oh and I managed to damage my glasses🙁). Once chemo over I will go get everything tested again as i can feel that my vision has changed. Today has been a much better day and things will get better through the week. Looking at the phone or beginning to write anything was too painful. I did feel the need to write several times this week as i needed to get it all out but I physically could not. The aching eyes, constant ringing in the ears, nausea and i have had the worst fatigue I have felt so far in this whole journey. I did cry quite a few times so that kind of helped but also made my eyes even more sore and painful!Catch 22!

Anyway, tomorrow will be a better day. I have seen mum because I really needed her to keep me going mentally. I feel sad that I can’t see the family. Nicola says it’s best to keep shielding until we stop chemo (hopefully soon inshallah!). Especially with Covid 19 and the number of cancer patients we have lost to it. It is heartbreaking and scary to see it happening in front of my eyes. My low immunity would not be able to handle it at the moment. I feel sad that I cannot see loved ones who I so miss but I am positive that this will all be over soon and I will be strong enough to see them! I also, still don’t seem to have the energy to have phone conversations so I spend a lot of time just thinking with my eyes closed. I am lucky to have those at home and i thank God for that. I keep reminding myself that there are people handling so mich worse than me…and often all by themselves! I have everything I need to get through this and I will!

I had set myself the challenge to do the Race for Life again this year. I am proud to say I finally completed it! Not the way I planned it but I did it! Small chunks on the treadmill at home. I had definitely been over ambitious but i am glad I did it! (Even if it was a week late 🙈). Thanks for the support for those who knew. I hadn’t mentioned it here as I had decided to take part only a week prior.

Can’t believe it has been a year since I got diagnosed. Last Christmas seriously feels like yesterday and i loved it so mich. Being with the family at mums, playing games and just talking into the night! I wonder what Cjristmas this year will be like for me. My scans will somewhat dictate lol!

I need to finish the book that I am listening to. “What if this is heaven’ by Anita Moorjani. What a book! I think I secretly don’t want it to finish😂

Oh I watched a really innyeresting movie with DD for her Sunday school ‘homweork’! ‘Social Dilemma’ on Netlfix. I totally recommend it especially for those with teenage children. It is about technology today and how things like Social media begin to control you! I have to admit, I have got pulled into things like instagram and facebook recently after repelling it for so long. However, this movie has made me want to stop! I am not quite ready to go cold Turkey but have cut down. Obviously there are good sides to it but many of us just get carried away browsing or posting every moment of our lives!

The rainbow colours:
🏳️‍🌈 my hands and feet not tingling!
🏳️‍🌈 my eye mask!
🏳️‍🌈 family
🏳️‍🌈 warm bed

Sweet dreams…

At another chemo session. Feeling very emotional today. Getting some time to reflect and talk to the most selfless nurses. My nurse told me she was thi king of me last time when she got home because she forgot to put a bandage over the tubes before sending me home…I actually started crying because these nurses are absolutely amazing! To be thinking of me when she went home…how genuine. Pure love from them. Ok maybe I was over dramatic but i think it just needed to come out!😂 She reassured me that most patients do have these emotional breakdowns in hospital! She started to tell me that everything will be ok. But I wasn’t upset about myself. I just let it all come out!

As I see all the patients around me, I begin to realise more and more how lucky I am. They all have a story. Some are so agitated. One looked so angry. I get to go home to my family and luxury. I hope they have the support that I have. I know that God is just and this reassures me. The nurse tells me not to worry about them and focus on myself. But we are all one. I pray for them.

The colours:
🏳️‍🌈 su shine in Septmeber
🏳️‍🌈 lovely nurses
🏳️‍🌈 kids
🏳️‍🌈 family
🏳️‍🌈 bikes!

Khudafiz 🥰

Wow…felt so good today after resting lots and binge watching ‘Masaba Masaba’ on Netflix! In the evening i had a sudden burst of energy…went for a walk and drive with the kidloos! 🎉

A prime example of how each day can be so different! Apologies for the moan last night!

Over and out xxx

I have learnt that there is a common misconception that Chemo is just one set of drugs given to people suffering from Cancer. I have to admit that i used to assume this too…well I probably didn’t really give it too mich thought. The fact is that there are hundreds of different medications used for chemotherapy given in varying strengths depending on the type and stage of cancer.

We tend to associate Chemo with hairloss and weightloss. I have learnt that hairloss is only a side effect of some chemo drugs given for certain cancers. Weight loss is not caused by Chemo either, but if you get nausea then you may not feel like eating as much. If managed well, one can avoid this by taking anti sickness meds etc.

Anyway, one week has passed since I had my chemo meds administered. Nicola said I will have one less medication this time because of my sore feet and skin peeling. I had not mentioned this to her earlier as it seemed trivial. However, have learnt that it was a vital sign showing that the chemo was getting a bit much for my body. She explained that we need to find a balance and we want to avoid long term damage. So for this cycle we will do the combination of chemo usually given to treat colon cancer when found at a lower stage.

Thought: if I had acted faster, maybe my cancer would have been caught at stage a lower stage and the treatment would have been much easier and quicker!

But everything happens for a reason I remind myself! And i have seen so many blessings in this journey already!

So day 1 and 2 of chemo were much better than any previous sessions and I got excited that there was very little nausea. However, the last few days have been difficult. Fatigue has kicked in more than any previous cycle and I am struggling to do mich at all! Sometimes the thought of getting myself up from the sofa is so daunting! And then when I finally get up, i just want to sit back down! Nose bleeds have increased and seem to be happening quite a few times daily. My body feels very weak. In a way that I find difficult to describe. I am hoping that next week will be a better week and I get some more energy. I need to do something that I enjoy but am struggling to focus on anything. I am also missing the kids now that they are back at school but am making the most of them when they get home. They make sure I get out for a bit daily and go for a walk or bike ride.

As I see people getting back to their busy lives, I pray that I always remember the important things. I pray that I never get carried away with the temporary, material aspects in this world. The man made way. Life is so short. God is the planner. It is so easy to focus on petty things and forget the bigger, more important picture. I pray that I always do the right thing.

Oh by the way, I am still speaking without thinking which is quite risky at times! I have been doing this since chemo started and Those used to me know this and are now prepared lol! But maybe the nurse shouldnt have asked me if she has pit on weight (bless her!) 🙈. I don’t know if this ‘being extra honest and saying it how it is’ is a side effect of chemo but am hoping it goes once it’s all over! I am becoming kind of scared to talk!🤨

The colours ….

🏳️‍🌈 family….always ❤
🏳️‍🌈 the kids!
🏳️‍🌈 sunshine🌞
🏳️‍🌈 social media (never thought I would say this…but it has really helped distract me through some tough times!)
🏳️‍🌈 hope
🏳️‍🌈 tomorrow

Lots of unlimited love 🥰

Scans were good but need to do more chemo so will be starting again next week. Radiotherapy may happen later or maybe the chemo will get rid of it completely 🤲🤞.

I am feeling well and my energy is coming back Alhamdulillah! I keep thinking how amazing our bodies are that they can heal themselves and recover from things so quickly!

I am blessed to have been given the break from chemo at the perfect time again! The almighty definitely plans better than us! I was able to spend quality time with the kids before school starts. It was DD’s birthday!

It is also another special islamic month (Muharram) which I look forward to every year. We commemorate the death of Hussain (the grandson of Prophet Muhammed pbuh) who gave his life while standing up for the truth. The hardship him and his family went theough(including women and children) was heartbreaking and it always reminds me that my pains and struggles are nothing compared to what they have had to endure. So many lessons to learn from this event in History. Gratitude, forgiveness, patience, love and so much more! It was great to have the time to discuss with the family how we can implement some these things in our lives to better ourselves. I needed this reminder this year more than ever before. It was very different not to be able to go to the mosque for the sermons(due to Covid19) but for me definitely another blessing as I would have had to stay home anyway. This way I had lots of company with everyone listening online!! 😉

Mentally and spiritually I feel a lot stronger now and ready to face the next cycles of treatment. Last week I felt like I was losing my patience and was finding it really difficult to find the colours.

I finished my diamond painting today and it looks gorgeous (even if I do say so myself 😁). Ready to be framed and put up. Oh I still havent framed the galaxy puzzle. It is such an awkward size and i just cant seem to get an appropriate frame for it! I have just ordered some online so hopefully one of them will do the job! Also ordered kids last minute uniform bits and Bob’s…no matter how organised I think I am, there’s always something lol!

By the way I am writing at 3.30am!!My sleep cycle is still so random but hoping when school starts I will have to wake up early and then hopefully fall asleep early too!I thought the chemo effect would goo by now but clearly not. 🙈

Colours before I go:

🏳️‍🌈 most of the kid’s uniform ordered sp far has fit perfectly, including shoes (which I have never even thought of ordering online before!).

🏳️‍🌈 managed to wash and sort the back log of clothes!

🏳️‍🌈 walked further today without getting out of breath.

🏳️‍🌈 I can start a new project now that the diamond painting is done. Hmmm…should I start another diamond painting, do the ‘Dumbo’ puzzle or try something completely new? Decisions…decisions…

Seriously need to try and sleep now. Hope some of what I have written makes sense considering the time 🤣

Love you all
💕

I still cant sleep at normal times!

So it’s been a while but as you know that is normally a good sign! I am loving my time off chemo..staying awake for longer(although still not that many hours!) and being able to do more. I love the long days!

My sleep timings are still crazy…staying up until the early hours for no apparent reason! I am so going to miss the kids company during these times once school starts! Especially the midnight movies, random walks and bike rides. My energy bursts seem to happen in the mide of the night!

Tonight I am feeling a little sick, Nicola said that the side effects of chemo can stay or make random appearances for upto a year after treatment and some may even be permanent. I have to say, this random nausea has really taken me back and reminded me that i will be starting treatment again. Really not looking forward to it but so glad that my break has been during lockdown and the school holidays.

I have been practically shielding since November(about 9 months now). Surprisingly, it really doesn’t feel that long but at times it feels like my first operation in october was ages ago! In a way, the pandemic has made others understand why I had to be so careful when seeing people. The ‘no hugs’ was a tough one for people to understand but now it has become the norm!

My aim for this month is to get stronger, physically. I have been going on the treadmill for a 15min walk or going for a bike ride. I have to really push myself sometimes or get the family to encourage me to get up and move!

Confession: I have had 2 things on my to do list this week…not done any🙈

As things go back to normal in the world, I pray that we don’t forget the important things we have learnt through this time.

The colours:

🏳️‍🌈 late nights with kids and DH: Netflix, ice cream and laughter.🍦

🏳️‍🌈 evidence of the fun (chocolate stains on my white bedsheets and the feeling of crumbs as I try and sleep!)

🏳️‍🌈 Long summer days (both sunny and wet!) ☀️

🏳️‍🌈 bike riding! 🚵‍♀️

🏳️‍🌈 Fans

🏳️‍🌈 Amazon Prime!

Once again, I am still awake in time for morning prayers. Wish me luck as i tip toe my way around the kids sleeping on the floor in our room🥰

God bless xxx

Alhamdulillah the scan results showed progress! Going to taje a break from the chemo for now and start Radiotherapy in a few weeks. (Apparently less side effects but because it will be targeting thr stomach area there will be nausea🙁). But we have anti sickness tablets😁. After Nicola told us the results , we found a beautiful green space behind the hospital to sit and digest everything.

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For now I am just excited that I get a chance to recuperate and enjoy a few weeks of summer properly. (Well as properly as we can in Lockdown!)

Scans
I cant remember if I have written about the scan procedure before but thought I would describe what happens. I wish I had known the details before. So an MRI scan is the one where you go into a tunnel. Normally it takes about 15 minutes but my one includes injecting a dye and looking at lots of different organs including the liver so it takes about an hour. I fond the room is very cold and after having had quite a few of these I now know that I can wear thin black leggings and socks(they dont tell you this!). It really madd me feel more comfortable as I was shivering in the first one which really didn’t help!
I lie down on the bed and wear headphones. These serve 3 purposes:

1. enable me to hear the instructions of when to breath in and hold my breath. I used to find this really difficult until one of the doctors told me that I don’t have to breath in all the way! As long as I hold my breath at a certain point and dont move.

2. To reduce the loud noise of the machine towards the end of the scan.
3. To listen to a radio station, which I say no to as it all gets too much!

The bed then moves into the tunnel slowly. It is quite narrow and I normally keep my eyes closed. I used to get a little anxious about this process but am fine with it now. I use the time to gather my thoughts and even some prayers. This time I was actually almost in a state of meditation. Yes I shocked myself too lol!! In fact, while in the tunnel I challenged myself to meditate during the next MRI I have! Ok it i know it sounds crazy but hey it seems like I am going to be having these regularly for quite a while and i can’t let things get boring! 😝

Next, i have the CT scan which is a quick 15 minute one. When they insert the dye I feel a very warm feeling go through my body and sometimes get a metallic taste I my mouth. It also feel like I have wet myself and the nurses remind me everytime that this will happen and it is normal lol!! Weird!!

• 

Everyone was wearing masks and so was I which made it different to the previous ones. Overall, the whole experience is not that bad at all. Best bit is when I break my fast of course!!😋 Me and DH used to go for lunch somewhere afterwards but lockdown has changed this. Had a banana and crisps to keep me going until I got home to a delicious meal cooked by DSis and DD💜.

Yeserday ,I went to the cemetery after a very long time. Miss daddy so much but I know he would not have been able to see me go through this. I know he is safe and in a better place. I do wonder if he knows. Got me thinking of the importance of mum. So lucky to hav her. Alhamdulillah. Miss go ing there every Sunday and miss our days out but keep reminding myself that it is for her protection as well as mine. Can’t wait to be able to hug her again!

The colours….

🏳️‍🌈 No sickness🎉
🏳️‍🌈 it is Summer!!!
🏳️‍🌈 I can drink cool drinks and can probably brave an ice cream by next week!! (One of the chemo meds meant I could only consume warm things.)
🏳️‍🌈 radiotherapy process only takes about 10-15 minutes compared to the 3 day chemo treatment.
🏳️‍🌈 Netflix and cooking programs!
🏳️‍🌈 Meditation

Ooh lots of colours this time!

Going to go and pray the mor ing prayer now and then sleep.

Sweet dreamzzzz ☀️

Scanxienty!?

Yes It is a thing! Is it weird that the worst part for me is not being able to eat lol??? I mean it’s only a few hours! Most people don’t like the idea of being in that very small tunnel, the loud noise,vibrations and sudden jolts or getting the needle inserted but, for me, it’s the ‘no food’ part???? 🤣

I was hoping to sleep right up until I have just enough time to shower and leave but here I am, awake and thinking.

“Mummy, don’t get excited about results because they may not be as good as you want. Keep open.” DS (11 yrs old) advised me as I said to him let’s plan to do something once I have no chemo side effects !.

He went on to explain that we will need to just do whatever it takes to get rid if it completely and forever, even if that means more chemo or other treatmen. I heard myself in him!! How true is it that our kids are a reflection of us?!

I feel like I am at a crucial junction in life. I want the cancer to be gone, and want to live and just enjoy everything. Life is not meant to be stressful. We have made it that way. I want to do what makes me happy. What makes me laugh and smile. I what another chance to get it right. To prioritise the things that actually matter.

As September gets closer and both kids are starting ‘important’ school years. I hope that I can drop them. I want to ensure that I don’t get pulled into the rat race! School is manmade. So much of what we do is just developed by society and we all just follow. We are meant to do what is natural. So what has happened to us?

• 

What is the ‘norm’?? This pandemic has clearly shown us that we as humans have defined ‘normality’ and that we can change it so easily if we wish to.

• 

So I went out for the first time in ages! The park. It was simply perfect. I want to do more of it. I want to be well enough to just go and be! I love summer! Love the fresh air!
Nature. Kids. Family! 🌍

Let’s enjoy another beautiful day ☀️

Yesterday was beautiful. I felt well in myself. It was our 18 year anniversary. It really doesn’t feel like it! I mean we still act like we are 18 years old sometimes!

• 

So the 4 of us watched a movie (indian classic-Mohabbatein💜), went for a bike ride on our street and watched the sunset. It was absolutely perfect! 🌅

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DB passed by outside for a social distance tea as it was his birthday at the weekend. The blessings of shielding….I was never really into large social gatherings to be honest. I prefer small ones where you get to actually spend quality time with each person. And this was just one person….perfect!

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The kids are both cooking and selling food for charity so it has been fab watching them learn such vital life skills while enjoying themselves. I thank God for giving them this time in their lives to be able to explore their own skills and develop their personalities alongside. Soon they will be back to school and hopefully this will be a great memory of theirs. I love the way they now point out the blessing in things. Sometimes they remind me of the rainbows and I do often need it. Hope they always remember that there is good in every situation and in every person.

DD has really excelled in the kitchen…even better than me! I hope she pursues a career in what she loves. I pray that everyone does this. Through meditation courses I am beginning understand that we are actually meant to be doing what makes us happy and the rest will all fall into place if we allow it to!

DS is learning to pull himself away from screens…a challenge for him (and us!). But it’s great that he’s spending much of his time in the kitchen and also garden when the sun us out. His tomato, cucumber and blueberry plants are looking great!

From september when school is back, we are introducing a Sabbath idea in the house. No phones from friday night for 24 hours. Looking forward to it!! Been wanting to implement it for a while now. Actually might suggest we start sooner…why wait for tomorrow when you can do it now?
The beautiful colours…

🏳️‍🌈 weather is picking up and garden getting done up so I can spend more time there. Breathing and just thinking.

🏳️‍🌈 only one more chemo before scans but am keeping an open mind that there may well be more sessions. Praying for whatever is best long term. Only he knows.

🏳️‍🌈 feel more energetic at the moment so can go for more walks.

🏳️‍🌈 brain feels less foggy so can sort some house stuff hopefully.

🏳️‍🌈 more diamond painting time!!

Ciao x

Lately I have been so exhausted that I sleep all night and a lot of the day but last night I just haven’t slept at all. Haven’t even managed to look at the time until now (7am!). Sleepung is good in a way because then I don’t feel the side effects as much!

Have started listening to the second audi book by Anita Moorjani. Great so far! I would definitely recommend it after you read the first one called ‘Dying to be me’ where she talks about her near death experience after having stage 4 Cancer. Her positive outlook on life is totally inspiring and uplifting!

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Let’s see the colours:

🏳️‍🌈The weather is perfect at the moment and I am grateful to be able to go outside during those stif du moments!

🏳️‍🌈 I know better days are coming soon

🏳️‍🌈 I am enjoying seeing the kids flourish and being able to find their creative skills and what they enjoy. Proud of them for doing this practically independently! Something I feel children don’t get a chance to do during their usual busy routines of school, homework and extra curricular activities!

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🏳️‍🌈 managed to watch a whole movie with the kids and hoping to watch more in the next days.

🏳️‍🌈 no prickly feeling gs in hands and feet!

🏳️‍🌈 headache is intermittent th is time not continuous.

Must go try and sleep.
Love you all. Xxx