My Rainbow🌈

Waiting for chemo to be administered. Mixed emotions seeing my nurse. Relieved to see a familiar face. Flashbacks of previous chemos and a reminder of what is to come. Hope of cure. These meds will get rid of this Inshallah (God willing).

They have just told me that they will be giving me an injection in my stomach to prevent stomach cramps which is likely during the treatment. I am anxious about this and also about them accessing the portacath after so many months. I have a plan for today whilst in hospital. I have around 4/5 hours here so will finish Jay shetty’s book and then maybe listen to some talks by Scot Wark. He was recommended to me last night. Scot beats Cancer. He healed himself from Bowel cancer. Without chemo or radiotherapy. I am so inspired by these people. There are so many of them! The general idea is that nature has the ability to cure. We have the abiloty to cure ourselves. Natural foods, fresh air, exercise, our thoughts and connecting with the higher being who controls everything!

Over the last few days i have started feeling some of the chemo side effects which is really weird as i haven’t had chemo in 4 months! The power of the mind. I want to try and not focus on the side effects. It’s hard but i will try!

Oh the injection is done and really wasn’t too bad. Just a prick and then some stinging for a few seconds. And the portacath is working fine too. Alhamdulilllah!!

Ready to start the new combination of chemo FolFuri. Last time i had something called Folfox. She said because of ongoing advancements in the chemo medicine, i may, once again, be saved from losing my hair. This would be great…but i am prepared either way! If i lose it then i am welcoming others to give me company in shaving theirs! 😉

The colours:
🏳️‍🌈 The radiant sun shining through the hospital window.🌞
🏳️‍🌈 Seeing a familiar face..my nurse 😇
🏳️‍🌈 hospital is close to home!
🏳️‍🌈 New meds will not make me get that pins and needles feeling in my hands and feet and i won’t be sensitive to the cold so can eat ice cream 😋

Wrote this a couple of days ago but didn’t publish…need to figure out how to do it on my phone again .

Over and out xxx

Hi!
Well…i have been avoiding writing. The last 2 weeks i have been trying to accept that i will have to go back onto chemotherapy. The radiotherapy didn’t do much for me as my particular cancer cells think they are too cool for it! The PETScan also showed up a couple of other active lymph nodes. One in my chest and one in my neck. However, these may have been there before. We can’t be sure whether they are old or new. Good news is that the colon and liver are fine and no new growths there. Also, we know that my cancer is sensitive to the chemotherapy i had in the past so it will work again god willing! We are changing one drug because the other one was killing my nerve endings and could get to a point where it is irreversible and potentially i would not have feeling in my hands and feet forever. The new drug may cause hairloss (which was a possibility last time too but i wasn’t affected). I am looking into using a ‘cold cap’ which helps prevent hair loss. At least the warmer days are coming!!

I want to be braver this time and try and get on with things. Keep myself as active as i can without overdoing it. I have signed up for some Yoga sessions and some courses to keep me motivated.

Finding the colours is so hard at the moment. I am anxious about the Chemo and how i am going to handle it this time. Not sure why. I have done so many cycles, i really should be used to it. But i guess it’s been a while.

What beautiful day it was today!

Sweet dreamz xxx

P.S. apologies for any confusion with the last post…i published it later on after writing it!

Hi!! So it has been absolutely ages since i wrote and that is almost always a good sign! I haven’t had any treatment for over a month now and am feeling stronger and more energetic by the day. Alhamdulillah! Feels soo good to be able to do ‘normal’ things again like chilling with the familyy, cooking and cleaning! I have started spring cleaning early too!this whole lockdown has made me realise that i really do have too much ‘stuff’. Such a waste when there are so many people out there who don’t even have the necessities! My general rule is to get rid of anything i haven’t used in the last year. Works well most of the time (apart from a few things with sentimental value🙈). Although i am trying to let go of what i can. I have also been going for walks everyday and have increased the time gradually. I am on an hour now!It is my highlight of the day. I love the fresh air and recently it has been extra beautiful with some dusting of snow! Oh i loved the snow day that we had..there was enough snow to do some sledging, make a snowman and some snow angels…so much fun!!!!

Right, let me try and fill you in on what i have been upto in the last 2 months. I completed my radiotherapy in December. This was a walk in the park in comparison to Chemo! Yes i felt a little nauseous and tired but definitely so much easier than chemo. I had my regular MRI and CT scans recently to see the impact of the radiotherapy and sadly there doesn’t seem to have been much change in the size of the infected lymph nodes. However, we are now doing a PET scan (they have just injected me with the radioactive meds and am waiting in a secluded room as i write). This should show whether those lymph nodes are active or not. Praying for whatever’s best for my long term health.

Ok so back to December. What an eventful month! God planned so well as always. I was well enough to attend my nephew and niece’s weddings (obviously small 15 people events as per the covid limitations). This worked really well for me as i would not have been able to attend a larger event. Both weddings were so beautiful and i was a little phased out at both but did really well!

Christmas was nice and cosy at home with DH and kids.

New years eve was eventful. Sadly, we lost our cat Marvel to a road accident just outside our house! We were distraught. Especially the children. Why had she been taken away at New years of all times? It hit hard and took time to accept. We had a service for her and the children said a prayer. We decided that Marvel was our angel. Sent by God to look after us during this difficult year. We got her just before i got diagnosed and she has done so much for so many of us. Family and frinds have loved her and been loved by her. Clearly, she had completed her mission in this world and now she is onher well deserved throne in cat heaven with an unlimited supply of mice and fish!!

Ok i have been called in for scan..let’s pray for favourable results.
Over and out.
Xxx

The Christmas decorations really add some sparkle to our daily hospital visits for radiotherapy.

The side effects are getting more intense (as I had been warned). Nausea and fatigue especially. However, it is much less in comparisom to the chemotherapy side effects. My patience is running a little low for the last few days. It is the ‘not knowing’ when I will have a moment of feeling no nausea! It is constant, even with all the meds. With chemo, I counted down the days until week 2 when the nausea stopped completely for a week until next treatment. With this I have had no break from feeling sick. Antisickness seems to be helping but not enough to make the feeling disappear. My oncologist said that these symptoms will get worse and last for 2 months after the last session. This is because the treatment is directly targeting the stomach area.

So what happens when I go in for radiotherapy?

I Lie down on the ‘bed’ much like the mri and ct scan. The tattoo marks on my stomach (4 very tiny dots) must be visible so they know where to direct the beams of radiation. I was told to to wear a robe but I prefer to wear my own clothes and just expose the necessary areas. One thing I have learnt through my hospital trips is that ‘if you don’t ask, you don’t get! So when I asked of I could just keep my own clothes on and not change into the robe, they were a little hesitant at first but then said ‘well..I guess you could….why not!’. For me, these little things make such a difference. Being in my own clothes makes me feel like me…not just a ‘hospital number’. Anyway, they then position me by taking accurate measurements and moving my body accordingly. I then put my arms above my head (which is sometimes a little uncomfortable because my portacath is still in my upper arm) and i must not move. The nurses leave the room and a large machine goes around my body. It takes about 15-20 minutes in total. I say some prayers and before I know it..it is over!

Oh I asked another silly question just for my peace of mind! ‘I need to breathe during the procedure o obviously, so how does that work with the extremely accurate measurements that you are all basing the whole procedure on?’

I loved the way he answered my question. Teacher style!! He said ‘You know if a bread goes mouldy in one corner, you remove a marginal area around it as well to make sure it has all gone. Well that’s what we do with the tumours.’ I thank God for the selfless staff who have the greatest patience ever!

The colours:
🏳️‍🌈 The hospital is so close to home 😇
🏳️‍🌈 the radiotherapy procedure is quick and pain free
🏳️‍🌈 Christmas🎄

See ya! Xxx

So I have subconsciously been putting off thinking about tomorrow. But today God showed me a sign and helped me accept that my next chapter was here. I went to find a spare phone charger in the ‘electricals’ basket which I hardly ever open and there they were!My crystals/stones that a DF had given to me last year and I took them with me to every chemo session. I had been wondering where they were but didn’t spend much time looking for them. I remembered her telling me that Crystals may somehow disappear (get lost or misplaced) when their job is done. I found them todya(after 2 months!). The night before my Radiotherapy begins! What are the chances! How can we deny that there is an ultimate planner? Is it that he is now showing me all these signs or did he always try to show me but I was too busy to notice. Was I too busy thinking that i was in control? I thought I was the planner of my life? I was preoccupied making my own plans for my future. For the family. Why did I take on so much responsibility? I now constantly remind myself that it is in his hands. We have a clear vision of our plan in life, for ourselves for our kids. Of course we have to plan but if the path changes we mist trust in him. Trust that he is the best of planners and loves us more than anyone!

He will do the best for me! Often we think we know what is good for us and when he doesn’t make it happen, we so easily question it.

I have had a really good few weeks withput chemotherapy. Free from side effects (except for skin peeling on my hands and feet and the odd heart palputations). My brain fog seems to be getting better and I amazed that I already feel stronger physically Alhamdulillah!.

This week I spoke about the whole experience in depth for the first time. My memories of the last year are so clear in my head now. I was so touched and felt truly honoured to be asked to take part in a live interview where I would be asked questions about my life since diagnosis. I was reluctant at first but then felt that it really could help someone. It was my chance to raise some awareness. I didn’t realise at the time but it was quite emotional to go back in time and talk about exactly what happened. I think it all took place so quickly that I didn’t really have time to totally accept or understand it all. I was literally taking each day as it came and trying to make the most of every moment I had. For example, the night before my major operation, we stayed in a hotel near the hospital. DH and I managed to somehow enjoy the experience and went out to explore in the middle of the night. It was so much fun. Albeit in the weirdest of circumstances. We even got an upgraded room when the receptionist found out why we were there! The perks 😉. I thanked God for the opportunity. If this had not have happened, we would have never had that time! And that’s when it began, I felt the strength from God. I knew I had to use it and knew he would give me strength all the way. In different forms. Through family and friends, children, nature, physical things, technology, meditation, prayer,books, inspirational people and food of course! 😋😁

Thank you to everyone who supported me with the interview and to those who made it happen. It helped me to accept my journey so far, including the parts which I had put very far back in my mind! I didn’t realise that I really needed to talk through it. I needed to take my mind back and accept it all. I was so emotional after the interview and the next day. I got it all out and felt so good afterwards! I have tried to add a link here if you would like to watch it.⏬ If the link doesn’t work, it is on my instagram page (Nishat Dossa).

Oh a few people messaged asking what ‘alhamdulillah‘ means. It means ‘Praise/thanks be to God’. I think I must have said it quite a lot. It is my favourite word these days. It has always been my mum’s. I now understand. She has always told us (and more importantly shown us through her own action and attitude) to always be grateful for everything. Gratitude and love makes us happy. She has always been there to remind me to love whatever iam given by the almighty, however big or small it is! And to treat everything and everyone with respect and kindness.

I am anxious about tomorrow. I know the side effects won’t kick in immediately but it’s the fear of the unknown. I have planned things to do around the house if I feel upto it. Hoping to keep myslef occupied so i am not focusing on the side effects. If all else fails, I have diamond painting and a puzzle waiting for me! Inshallah (God-willing) I will feel better once I have had a few sessions and know what to expect.

The colours:

🏳️‍🌈 Christmas tree is up and really makes me smile!🎄
🏳️‍🌈 I sorted the cupboard that was on my to-do list
🏳️‍🌈 hospital is close to home and the actual treatment time will be much shorter than the chemo sessions.
🏳️‍🌈 abundance of anti sickness tablets in my bedside drawer!

I really should go to sleep. Lots of love 🥰

Today’s appointment was in preparation for Radiotherapy. The start of a new road on my journey. New area of the hospital to get used to but Alhamdulillah it is still close to home. I feel for those people who have to travel far to get their treatment. My radio is going to be done every day for 2 weeks and Nicola said the side effects get worse once the treatment is all done. So after the 2 weeks of treatment, side effects normally last about 6 weeks but it is different for everyone. Radio is normally easier to cope with but as mine is around the stomach area, she said nausea and fatigue will be the main ones. Will have to wait and see I guess. I do wish there was someone who has been through the exact saame treatment who I could speak to about what to expect.

I don’t wish anyone to have to experience Cancer but the statistics show that 1 in every 2 people will get get it at some point in their life. (British journal of Cancer UK). One of the reasons I have written this blog is to help others. Even if it is just one person. The good news is that Cancer treatment has come so far and there are so many different options available. Especially if caught early!!

So the last 2 weeks have been fab without chemo! Just been enjoying time with the family…lots of eating and movies. Have also squeezed in some time on the treadmill!

I feel my body getting stronger by the day but do have random episodes of the heart palputations and also the skin o on my hands and feet has been peeling (Nicola said some side effects of chemo can last upto a year after treatment stops). Chemo kills all fast growing cells.

Today has been a reality check for me. I had selectively forgotten that I will need to go back to treatment. I have had a good stretch and now ready to face the next road💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽.
They did CT scan which I have had so often now but today was at a different hospital so felt a bit odd. They also made some permanent tiny dots around my stomach area to show where the radio beams will be aimed. I asked if they could just do a few more dots and make it into a star or something pretty! Apparently I wasn’t the first one to ask this question 🤣. (So I’m not the only crazy one cracking inappropriate jokes at these appointments!)

At breakfast, DS suggested that we make an acrostic poem using the word Rainbow to sum up our cancer journey. Here it is:

Resilience– have bad days but always bounce back!
Alhamdulillah– Gratitude for everything!! (Yes it is really hard but gets easier if you have trust in him)
Inspiration– look for inspiration from positive things/people
Nature– take time to enjoy outdoor walks or mediation/ breathing
Belief that God is with you all the way and that you can get past this!
Open up and talk about how you feel
Win– no matter what happens you are a winner!

The colours:
🏳️‍🌈 hospital is so close
🏳️‍🌈 the array of winter colours outside
🏳️‍🌈 family and friends who have supported me unconditionally!

Sending lots of love 💕💕💕

In a beautiful waiting room at a new hospital as Nicola wanted a PETSCAN done asap to decide what treatment I will be having next.

I am having this week free from chemo and it has been great! Normally i have chemo every 2 weeks.

I was impressed by the hygiene in the hospital. As I entered I was directed straight to the sink to wash my hands and then asked to pit the antibacterial gel. Only 3 people in the large waiting room all spaced out.

The nurse has just explained that I will be radioactive for a few hours after the scan as well. I got excited and when he said “Fire away with any questions!” I asked if I would be glowing! Lol…he found it hilarious! I am quite funny 😂

He injected a dye into my vein and then left me In a room for an hour which went really quickly as I caught up on pending things on my phone. The actual scan was o ly 20 minutes and was much easier than a CT or an MRI as I just had to lie still with both hands raised above the head. The tunnel was short, more like the CT scan one. No breathing instructions this time either. I could just relax, recite some prayers and think happy thoughts. 😁

We went for a fun day out after and took the kids to eat the bao buns! They loved it and so did we!

We have got the Christmas tree out which signifies Double celebrations for us! As a Muslim we celebrate Prophet Muhammed’s (pbuh) Birthday this month and then Prophet Jesus/Isa (pbuh) as well. 🎉🎄

I love having the tree out for so long!!! Makes me smile, especially helpful with the the shorter cold days approaching. I am definitely a warm weather person.

The colours:

🏳️‍🌈 DH knowing all the roads and secret parking places in central!

🏳️‍🌈 Content kids who manage to have fun wherever and whatever they are doing! Had to take them with us for the scan this time as it was far away! We let them buy something each. DD bought some pens and DS bought a gilet to keep warm! How Sensible!

🏳️‍🌈 Electric blanket to cosy up on after an amazing and exhausting day!

Milad un Nabi mubarak to all celebrating 🎉

Lots of love xxxx👈

In the waiting room I feel the butterflies coming. With the continuous heart palputations(due to chemo side effects), this really doesn’t help! So now my heart is beating extra fast and I feel like I have sprinted here! Getting out if the house got a bit delayed because of a nose bleed ( chemo side effect). I thank God that it stopped when it did. I am lucky that these normally start once the nausea subsides. It would be hard to have both simultaneously.

I miss having DH with me at these appointments and during chemo days. It has been 7 months now. I know u should get over it. Everyone is here alone now since covid19 but it is just so much nicer to have company. At least I have him outside and all the support waiting for me and praying for me.

Ok I have been called. My turn. I know everyone and every place in this hospital inside out lol! I forgot my crystals at home…i always bring them! Speak later!

Right so both scans done back to back with no waiting in between..yay! I felt fine once we started the scans. Don’t know why i got a bit anxious before. 🤔

During my one hour in the tunnel for the MRI I did lots of thinking. Thought of lots of colours for my gratitude list. I will try and remember them below:

Thank you for:

🏳️‍🌈 friendly nurses
🏳️‍🌈 DH who is always there with me!
🏳️‍🌈 my extended family
🏳️‍🌈 my happy memories which I think of while I am in the tunnel
🏳️‍🌈 my regular chemo hospital being so close to home
🏳️‍🌈 happy kids (this always includes all my nieces and nephews who I am so lucky to have!)
🏳️‍🌈 retail therapy (online!)
🏳️‍🌈 being able to see the beautiful Autumn colours all around us! (I realised today that DH can’t see these different coloured leaves as he is colour blind!)

🏳️‍🌈 being able to breathe.
During the MRI they give you instructions to breath and hold your breath. I have always found this a bit tricky but today was fine. Maybe I am getting used to it or maybe I have adopted ways of handling it. Every time she said “You may resume breathing”, I thought about those who have caught Covid19 and struggled with their breathing! It reminded me of daddy who had Lung Fibrosis and struggled to breathe. It was so hard to watch. We take breathing for granted but how Lucky are we to be able to do it without even thinking!? Try holding your breath and feel the relief when you resume breathing! It reminds me of How we don’t truly appreciate things until we lose them or think we may lose them.

So I have had the most amazing day with DH. Absolutely exhausted now and had to stop regularly to catch my breath but it was so worth it! It has been a while since had a proper day out. Hoping to have lots more 🥰.

Sweet Dreamzzzzz ❤

This cycle I have actually felt extremely sick so far! Overdose on antisickness meds! Ok not overdose. Thank God for there being lots of options. But I would really like the chemo to be done know. 14 cycles complete and hoping for good news from the scans next week. It has been a over a year since I got diagnosed.

I want it to be over so I can enjoy life with my new mindset. Enjoy every moment and learn from everyone who enters your life. Give as much love as you can and if you reach your limit then bless the person and let them go. Maybe at that point in life you are just not good for each other.
That last part is totally Deepak Chopra whose meditations I have been listening to. He has lifted me when I have been very low.

Nect time I write I will be feeling better inshallah (God willing). These first few days are so tough.

Just can’t do any colours today.

Actually…family. I would not have been able to get out of bed today if it was n’t for them giving me a push. Literally! I would just stay in bed until night!

I cant believe DD needs to apply for sixth form!! I mean she just started high school. In fact it feels like she was just born!! I have had this same thought so many times with my nephews and nieces but I am still shocked everytime!

Last night she spent the evening researching A-levels and possible subjects and sixth forms she would be interested in. I joined her!

What an eye opener it was! The discussions that we had about her future reminded me that she is her own person! I have always been mindful of not influencing her life decisions. There was a time last year when she was considering a career in Optometry (which is what I had wanted to do initially). She is really good at science but this can’t be a coincidence. I asked myself at that point “Have I swayed her towards fulfilling my own desire from when I was younger.?” I don’t think I have but I must have done it subconsciously. I mean there are so many possible careers, how can she want to do the same as what I wanted to do? I have realised that it is so so easy to try and get our kids to live our unfulfilled dreams. But it is just not fair to do that. I re-iterated to her that she must follow her gut feeling and it is quite rare to have an idea of what you want to do at such a young age. She knows she loves food and cooking so why not take advantage of that.

I have always felt that our education system forces children to make such big life decisions at such a young age and yet here I was discussing exactly those things with my 15 year old! Most children haven’t even got to know themselves and have to decide what they want to do in the future! I told DD that she is lucky to have some idea of what she wants to do but should always keep an open mind as she is still so young.

Anyway, while looking at possible courses, she clicked on ‘Optometry’. “The entry requirements for this are higher than the food and nutrition ones. So does that mean it’s a better degree to do?” She asked.

I told her that she should do whatever she enjoys and has an interest in. She said she can do Biology and Maths but doesn’t really like any of them. I loved both these subjects and but still found them difficult at A-level. “Do what you are interested in.” I said again. “No career path is ‘better’ than the other. You could become an optician and be good at it but if you love something, you are more likely to succeed. YOU will have to get up everyday and go to work so make sure you do something you enjoy. Making money is important of course but not at the expense of enjoying the time you have on this earth.

Also, as always, I learnt so much from talking to her. In fact, I had ruled out one of the schools in my head already. But having listened to what she wants next year I have completely changed my mind and we have actually ended up applying to that school already. I say ‘we’ but I constantly remind myself that this is actually ‘her’ life.

I want her to make her own decisions and obviously me and DH are there to guide. Wr did the same with the secondary school decision. She was only 10. We guided her and gave her the options but the ultimate decision was hers. I must admit I wasn’t sure it was the right decision at the time but she made it and I knew within her first term at the school that she had made the right decision.

She is growing up way too fast and I feel like I don’t want o let go but at the same time I need to let go. When she was little we wanted her to be independent and celebrated her first steps and first day without a nappy! We have taught her to do things by herself.

Now we need to celebrate that she is becoming an adult. I am excited for her as well of course! I need to let her fly and write her own story! I reminded her to speak to God and ask for guidance all the way with every decision. Something I have only been doing for the past 7 years. I always had faith but in recent years I have learnt that he is actually the only one who is going to be by my side always. I do tend to talk to him throughout the day now, where as before it was just during the scheduled daily prayers. 🕯 I was reminded of God’s unconditional support through a movie we watched last week called ‘The Shack’. Definitely worth a watch. My 11 year old loved it too but a bit deep for the younger ones I feel.

Ok so How am I?

I have a had a really good 2 days alhamdulillah (thanks to the Almighty).💃 I even went to pick the kids up from school! The little things that I had so taken for granted, now bring me so much joy! I am trying to be more mindful and am trying to enjoy the here and now. Before it was about getting the kids home, dinner, homework and bed. I am now trying to enjoy the ride and not just wait for the destination. It is difficult to this all the time But I am getting there I think.

Week 2 after chemo is getting easier I feel. But week 1 seems to be getting a bit harder or maybe I just don’t have as much patience with it. Especially after the 3 hour wait this time around!

Colours for today:
🏳️‍🌈 living in an area with good schools
🏳️‍🌈 being able to see my children (including my nephews, nieces) growing up to be ‘good’ and ‘kind’ human beings.
🏳️‍🌈 driving
🏳️‍🌈 being able to stay away from my phone for longer periods of time.

Next chemo coming up in 2 days. These good days are going so quickly again!

See ya xxx