Tired.

So so hard. This time. New meds are causing severe cramping on my left side. It got worse after i finished my 3 day treatment on wednesday. Surprisingly i was actually able to go for a slow walk on wednesday after having the chemo bottle removed. Last few days have not been good. Shortness of breath is scary and heart palputations so so fast. I am exhausted even though i am just sitting! And when i try to take slow breaths in, it hurts because of the cramps. So i can’t take a full breath. I am really feeling for thosw who have suffered from breathing issues, thinking of my dad who really struggled to breath in his last days. Also, those who have suffered from such symptoms recently due to covid19. It really is something that you cannot understand until you experience it. That feeling of not being able to take air in. Oxygen. Appreciate it. We cannot see it, yet we cannot take a breath without it. Almost like love. Can’t see it. Can’t actually fully live without it.

I couldn’t swallow properly until today. Even just drinking water made me gag! Today is a bit better. (Day 6 or Day 3 of treatment? Depending on whether we count day one from when the treatment stops or starts. I am a little confused about this atm so if anyone can advise!)

Need to get myself rehydrated today. Alhamdulillah (praise be to God) that i am now able to swallow without gagging. Let’s not even go into the swallowing of tablets🙈

I have also had flu like symptoms since wednesday. Completely normal side effect for this new Folfri chemo. Fever, shivering, sweating, headache, bodyache, weakness, lightheaded….Repeat!

As i look around, i pray that we can focus on the bigger picture. Love what we have. The people close to us. The things we are given. Maybe those we have never acknowledged. Those that are always there for us. Often we overlook. This life is so temporary. I am glad that i have been given a chance to take a back seat and look from afar. I pray that i can get my health back soon and enjoy the bigger things in this world which i may have not have even acknowledged before.

The colours;
🏳️‍🌈 those who have stayed by my side every single day. Be it through a message or a prayer from far.
🏳️‍🌈 those who make me smile and laugh. Even just for that moment. When i know they are hiding so much from me, to protect me from any negativity.
🏳️‍🌈 the sound of the children playing downstairs and enjoying the sun outside!