5am!

Right this waking up at odd times during the night is getting annoying. It is 5am on a Saturday morning and i don’t need to be doing this!!! Normally i am too exhausted to be typing but here i am so i’m going to write through my recent thoughts.

So Chemo cycle #1 is over. I am feeling good for the last couple of days. Now anxious about the next treatment on Monday. I think back to last week. 

Monday treatment day 1

The fear of the unknown. I was worried. I didn’t know what to expect today but tried not to think about it. I have always been one to take each day as it comes. I need to continue this attitude i reminded myself. It was hard thsi time though.

I didn’t have to wear the hospital gown which actually really helped mentally! My joggers and pink nike top made me feel normal!

I have to appreciate that the jacket potato really helped with distracting me during this time when the first chemo meds went in. I could actually just live on eating jacket potatoes… �

Me and Dear Hubby spent the day at the hospital while the first medicine was givem over a few hours. I know of some of the side effects and wondered if they could hapoen straight away. I don’t think they did but i kept my mind off it by talking to DH and watching a christmas movie that had started on time on TV. (No idea what it was about or anything but just seeing the beautiful christmas lights and atmosphere really helpled!). And Nicola came and had a half hour chat with me about random things which also helped! 

By evening it started. A constant feeling of nausea even after having loads of antisickness (including a strong intravenous one in the hosp before the treatment). Being at mums is great as there are so many things to keep my mind busy when i need it. Fot those times when i need space i can just go up and rest. 

So i realised that a few new best friends have now entered life…ginger ale, ginger biscuits, ginger sweets and anything that helps with feeling sick! I had about 6-8 cans of ginger ale in one day. This continued every day until day 7. 

Confession time 🕧
I have always had a fear of throwing up so since i got diagnosed it has been a worry for me as i know one of the main side effects of chemo was nausea. However..Nicola had reassured me that all the side effects are now manageable. There is some medication to conteract most of the symptoms that i may or may not come across in my own chemo journey. Everyone will react differently. I was just going to see how it went for me and pray for minimal side effects while the treatment does its job successfully and completely! 🙏🤲 (never been quite sure which of these emojis is the praying hands one. Someone told me that th first one was a hi five..hmmm). 

So i was sent home with one of the chemo medicines attached to me through the portacath in my arm (a procedure in itself which i will try and write about at some point.) It was not too bad but,in retrospect, maybe i should have opted for the general anaesthetic they offered). Anyway, I had a bottle attached to me in a bag and had to go in on wednesday or thursday to remove it. My new second home for a few months; the hospital!

The cool bag they give me to wear which I have now replaced with a much cooler one that I had bought ages ago for walking. (Will take a pic for you guys next time!)

Day 2

The night went well and i slept upright the whole time as i was aware of the bottle. The next night was easier as i got more comfortable with it being there. Oh and i found a much more trendy looking bag for it to put around my waist. (Althought the scar from the operation is still healing so kept it loose).

That constant nausea and an unpleassnt feeling and horrible taste in my mouth. I kept snacking to help. It was weird as i felt pregnant again. It was a similar feeling and the bottle actually resembled a baby’s bottle! It was pink so would have had to be a girl!!

Day 3
Hospital in the evening to get the bottle removed with Dear Brother Took 5 minutes alhamdulillah. No pain.

Days 4 and 5

What a blur! Such a weird few days. Now i know what it means to ‘feel out of sorts’. I think! Alway tired, confused, forgetting. I remember very little from these days. I was not prepared for this as i thought i would be fine after the bottle had been removed and all the meds was finished. But no…now it was doing its job i guess. I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. I wanted to just close my eyes all the time and be in a quiet place. But at times i wanted to be around the family but when anyone spoke to me it was a huge effort to fathom what they had said let alone actually respond. I wanted to be there but not be spoken to maybe? I remember feeling like i was in a playground of very loud people even though i think there was only 3 of us in the house. It felt overwhelming and exhausting to look at anyone let alone the phone or a tv screen. Even going to the bathrooon was such an effort. Oh and then coming out again! I felt disappointed that i couldn’t respond to my kids when they told me sxhool stories so enthusiastically. I reminded myself that this is temporary. I thought of the positives: i felt a little less nauseous and i could just avoid this in the next cycle by staying away from noise when i felt like this. In future cycles I will preserve my energy and use it wisely. 

My porta cath was more painful today. It should be almost healed now that it has been over a week.

Day 7
Went to hosp to get portacath checked. Alhamdulillah (Thank god) it was ok. By the way love this word…’Alhamdulillah’..you may find i say it a lot!

They said that my immunity is lowest for the next few days so i must stay far from people to avoid catching anything. Otherwise they cannot do the next cycle until the white blood cell numbers go back up. I need this over with asap. I need to stay strong. 

Ok so i guess it wasn’t too bad. I now kind of know what to expect. They said symptoms may become worse with the consequent cycles as more medicine is collecting in me. However, it differs with each person. Ot could get easier as i will learn ways to manage the side effects. Let’s see! Whatever it is, we will deal with it. 

A big thank you to everyone who is helping me through. The constant love, food, reflexology, helping with kids school picks and drops, just making the kids smile and talking to them! 

Thanks for giving me space when i have needed it and putting up with my orders and moodiness. My apologies in advance for any more that may come. It is not me..it is the ‘chemo brain’ as Nicola keeps reminding me!

Oh and spoiling me with such personal gestures and of course most importantly the prayers..loving it! 

Wow…time has flown…it is 7am! I should go. 

Ciao